Most marriages begin with love and a common pursuit of sharing a life with one another. When marrying, most couples are not planning for the end of the marriage but rather the foundations upon which they will build the marriage and establish their family as a unified front. The fact remains, however, that some marriages do end.
Although many divorces can be completed amicably when a couple has a shared vision of the outcome, the circumstances can cause friction, animosity, and emotional upheaval. As a result, as a divorcing couple works through the process, it’s important to consider many elements of the impending divorce, including the legal and emotional stages ahead as well as the challenges they bring. Just as understanding the divorce process can help you prepare for negotiations and work toward reaching an equitable resolution that meets your expectations, understanding the emotional stages of divorce can help you approach the process with confidence.
At The Valley Law Group, we believe knowledge is power and want to help you understand how a divorce could impact you and your family as the process moves forward. Divorces are naturally emotional circumstances, and unexpected feelings can distract you from working toward a resolution. Learning about the five emotional stages of a divorce is a key component of preparing for the proceedings to come.
What Are the 5 Stages of Divorce?
While divorce is often viewed as an ending – in this case, the end of a marriage – it can also be viewed as a beginning and the start of something new. Even when you’re creating something new, however, the change necessary to begin your new normal can be far from easy. The difficulties caused by change can cause a vast array of emotions to occur as you contemplate the months ahead.
Anticipating the five stages of divorce can make your healing journey through these changes more palatable and easier to understand. With this understanding often comes confidence, both in yourself and in the divorce process. The stages closely mirror that of grief, the feeling you get after any other profound loss; this makes sense, as many people mourn the end of their relationship much as they would the loss of a loved one.
It’s important to note that each person will experience divorce differently, and while we want to present the common stages people experience in divorce, your individual situation may mean you are confronted with one, some, or all of the stages. As you approach your divorce, think about which stage you may be in so you can gain clarity regarding the road ahead.
Stage 1: Denial
Divorce can create feelings of confusion and disbelief, particularly if you were not seeking a divorce and your partner presented it. Denial could mean you are stuck in a perpetual cycle of believing that divorce will not actually happen or that your spouse may change their mind. Alternatively, although you may find yourself acknowledging the reality of the situation, you could still be left in disbelief that the marriage is ending.
Symptoms that you may experience in denial could include shock, numbness, confusion, avoidance, and shutting down. It is important to remember that these symptoms are your brain’s natural way of creating a space in which you can process information about the impending divorce.
Stage 2: Anger
As denial fades, it often gives way to a new emotion in the form of anger. Anger is often the result of feeling betrayed. Whatever the reason for the end of the marriage, it began with a commitment to one another, and that failure could spark anger and animosity toward your partner or even yourself. It is important not to suppress those emotions but to find healthy ways to express them and confront them.
Stage 3: Bargaining
As mentioned, many people experience similar feelings during divorce and after the death of a loved one, both of which can invoke the stages of grief. The associated feelings of anxiety, blame, fear, and guilt can lead to the creation of narratives in the mind that can leave you asking yourself what you could have done differently or what decisions could have avoided this outcome. In this stage, it is important to recognize that while we may wish our decisions were different, it is important to accept that they are in the past and that the decisions of others are beyond your control.
Stage 4: Depression
Depression is associated with great sadness, which is no doubt a part of any divorce. When a couple divorces, they are closing a significant chapter in their lives, and that can be a difficult reality to face. This reality also means accepting that the person you once thought would be your partner for life will no longer be there, and the future you envisioned will no longer be.
Symptoms of depression can look different for each individual. However, this is a crucial situation to recognize, as mild depression due to divorce can lead to significant mental health issues. Symptoms include reduced motivation in social activities, little to no sleep, a decrease in appetite, and even turning to substances to help cope with the feelings.
Depression is a difficult emotion to face. If you experience these feelings, it is crucial to seek the help of a mental health professional.
Stage 5: Acceptance and Letting Go
Reaching the acceptance stage can allow you to start the healing process. The clouds created by the fear of change begin to dissipate, and you can see clearly a path to move ahead. You may still feel as though there is a hole in the life you once led, but acceptance is an important part of moving forward.
During the acceptance stage, you should begin to see the possibility of your new life post-divorce. This could mean a change in lifestyle or even new challenges as a single parent. Whatever potential your life holds, your path ahead is becoming clearer, and you are ready to take the first step.
How Long Does Each Stage of Divorce Last?
The stages of divorce will look different for everyone, and there is no way to determine how long it will take each individual to advance through the stages. It is better to recognize the symptoms associated with each one so that as each is experienced, you are able to navigate through them with the right support systems in place.
It is crucial to recognize that these stages are not clearly delineated, with common steps as you progress from one to the next. Similarly, while you may experience all of them a bit differently, remember that they do not occur in silos. For example, it is possible to experience denial and anger or bargaining and depression at the same time. No matter which stages you identify with, the most important thing you can do is to express your feelings in healthy ways.
What Is the Hardest Stage of Divorce?
Every individual involved in a divorce will experience it in different ways, and your divorce may be affecting you in ways that it doesn’t affect your former partner or most others. Still, many people may identify depression as one of the most difficult stages of divorce to navigate. This stage features an intense period of coming to grips with the reality that the divorce is proceeding and that life will look different without a spouse.
Fortunately, while this stage can be difficult to navigate, it is also the stage where the light at the end of the tunnel begins to appear. For some people, the difficulties of depression mean that a chance to heal exists on the other side of the emotions. Since bargaining is largely over, there are no longer struggles regarding trying to convince yourself you could have done something different; instead, you are facing the realities of the situation. If this applies to you, moving forward can begin with developing this true understanding of where you are.
Coping With the Stages of Divorce
Finding ways to cope with each of the stages of divorce can be difficult, but it is not impossible to navigate the feelings you are experiencing. Ways to cope include:
- Establish Positive Self-Talk – This can be as simple as telling yourself it’s okay; experiencing these emotions is completely normal for divorce. While the way you experience them may feel different than others, remind yourself that going through the stages of divorce is not only natural, but expected. You will eventually proceed through the stages of divorce and see the light at the end of the tunnel.
- Give Yourself Grace – While you’re telling yourself things will be okay, know that it is acceptable to have moments when you’re not feeling okay. You are allowed to take the time you need to not only process the emotions but to begin healing. You do not have to experience divorce on anyone else’s timeline but your own.
- Develop a Support System – It is critical to establish a solid support system. While it may be difficult to turn to family due to the circumstances of your divorce, surround yourself with friends or colleagues who can help you through the more difficult days.
- Don’t Ignore Your Needs – Your emotions are a part of your brain’s defense mechanism and work to help you navigate situations that can affect your mental health. Meanwhile, addressing your physical needs with physical activity, such as exercise, can help you work with your body rather than against it.
- Avoid Arguments – Emotional arguments with your spouse or ex will not yield positive results. Discussions may be necessary, but arguments will not help to resolve the matters and may leave you feeling worse; learn to walk away or let your attorney step in when necessary.
- Address Your Relationship with Your Children – The way your children react to the news of the divorce could vary depending on your family dynamics, but taking time to reassure your children that you are there for them can also help them cope with the changes in your family dynamics. Keeping them out of disagreements with your spouse and not allowing them to be used as a bargaining chip can help you stay focused on what you and your children need.
- Seek Professional Help – Whether you’re struggling with the emotional or procedural difficulties of divorce, a professional can help you approach the situation in a healthy, proactive way. Consider speaking with a counselor or therapist about the emotional pitfalls and consult with your attorney any time you have a procedural question about your divorce.
Who Loses the Most in a Divorce?
When it comes to discussing loss in a divorce, it is important to recognize that in the state of Arizona, neither side can lose more than the other. The law does not allow for disparities based on gender, race, ethnicity, age, or any other demographic. Community property laws dictate the division of assets as an equitable distribution, while child support and child custody laws ensure no preference is shown between two equally capable spouses.
However, divorce impacts are not just about the settlement, and the difficulties of a divorce can extend beyond just the two involved in the marriage.
Parents may find that the divorce process can be difficult for their children. Research has shown that children who experience divorce have an increased likelihood of negative mental health symptoms. As such, it is considered one of the most common adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) that can negatively impact life.
Keep in mind that divorce impacts children differently, and there are steps you can take to ensure your children remain emotionally healthy during your divorce. In addition, fear of the impact your divorce may have on your children should not override the need for a divorce. Staying in an unhealthy relationship – especially a marriage with bouts of violence or one that is exceedingly unstable – can have far more severe effects on children. With the right strategies in place to support those involved, a divorce can be a great step to beginning a happier and healthier life.
Rely on Your Valley Divorce Attorney
If you are facing a divorce, know that you don’t have to navigate the process alone. With the help of the skilled family law attorneys at The Valley Law Group, you can ensure you have the experience you need to navigate legal matters and preserve your mental health along the way. Our team is on your side. Book your free consultation today, and let us help you take the next steps on your journey.
Resources:
- Cohen, S., Murphy, M. L. M., & Prather, A. A. (2019). Ten surprising facts about stressful life events and disease risk. Annual Review of Psychology, 70, 577–597. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-010418-102857
- D’Onofrio, B., & Emery, R. (2019). Parental divorce or separation and children’s mental health. World Psychiatry, 18(1), 100–101. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20590
- Mental Health America. (n.d.). Coping with separation and divorce. Retrieved from https://mhanational.org/separation-and-divorce
Jonathan Roeder, Founder/Director of Marketing of The Valley Law Group, is an Arizona native who has dedicated his life and career to the service of others. After graduating salutatorian of his high school class, Jonathan attended beautiful and prestigious Pepperdine University, where he majored in Political Science. During his tenure at Pepperdine University, his passion for helping others grew after securing a clinical position with a residential treatment center for juveniles with substance addictions. Post-graduation, Jonathan returned to Arizona and served as a residential manager for mentally and physically disabled homes.