Divorce can feel like a shameful thing to many people – no one approaches their marriage with the expectation that it will eventually end. That’s why, for many people who feel blindsided by their spouses’ request for a divorce, contesting it may seem like the best course of action. Truthfully, though, for most, contesting a divorce creates unnecessary stress by further complicating the divorce proceedings and externalizing your anger and fear.
Learn how the process of a mutually agreeable divorce can actually be a transformative journey of rediscovery and growth.
Mutually Agreeable Divorce
If both spouses are willing to proceed with the divorce, it is considered non-contested; more specifically, if both spouses are willing to compromise on all facets of divorce and make the process as simple as possible, the divorce is considered mutually agreeable. This not only helps you avoid conflict with your former spouse but can also help you learn to grow during your divorce. Learning to understand divorce as an opportunity for growth and personal rediscovery can help make the process easier by shifting your perception.
A client came to us recently who was distraught because she believed her marriage was happy and healthy, and her spouse’s request for a divorce seemed to come out of the blue. She was hurt and angry, so she wanted to contest the divorce that seemed so unfair to her. When we discussed the realities of a contested divorce, she recognized that whether she experienced a contested vs. uncontested divorce, the end result would still be a divorce. More importantly, as she learned about the additional steps, time, and even expenses necessary to contest each aspect of the divorce decree, she discovered that she wanted to avoid the animosity and time-sink of a contested divorce.
She and her former spouse eventually determined that a mutually agreeable divorce would be the better option so they could salvage an amicable relationship for their children and use the time to pursue personal growth. This ultimately gave her the opportunity to rediscover the importance of self-care. Committing to an agreeable divorce process helped her to release some anger and resentment by embracing the growth that was coming.
How to Redefine Your Divorce
According to World Population Review, nearly half of all first marriages in the United States end in divorce because a spouse is unfaithful, the relationship has simply run its course, or the spouses do not have compatible goals. A marriage that is reaching its end is difficult to face for many people because they vowed to remain with their spouse through sickness and health. However, it’s crucial to recognize that ending a relationship that is not benefitting either party should not be considered a failure.
In addition, moving on after a divorce can be difficult when you are dealing with anger at your former spouse for ending the relationship or guilt for the part you played in the end of your marriage. Facing the harsh reality of divorce head-on can be challenging but can also present incredible opportunities to grow and rediscover who you truly are. A mutually agreeable divorce can help you concentrate on ways you can rebuild your life instead of dealing with the taxing process of a contested divorce.
Rediscovering Yourself
When you are married, a large portion of your identity is likely wrapped up in that relationship because it impacts every part of your life. If you need to move, then a new home has to meet the needs of every family member. Purchases like clothes, hobby equipment, and outings may need input from both members of the relationship.
Once the marriage ends, many people experience all five stages of grief before they can fully heal and move on. However, during and after that healing process, you will find that there are countless opportunities for rediscovery. You can begin to learn who you are outside of that relationship by connecting with new and old friends, discovering new hobbies, and making a life that is your own.
Here are some ways you can transform your idea of divorce into the period of rediscovery it truly is.
Reignite Old Connections
The weeks and months after your divorce begins are the perfect time to reconnect with friendships that drifted apart during your marriage so you can have support throughout the process. Maybe you lost touch with a college roommate or drifted apart with a sibling when you were focused on your marriage. Use this time as an opportunity to build a community and support system for yourself that may have been missing.
Begin a New Hobby
Divorce can be extremely stressful and bring up unexpected emotions like anger or shame, but a hobby may provide a much-needed distraction. Activities like painting, cooking, or hiking provide you with an outlet to relieve stress and process your emotions. Whether you have always been interested in making your own jewelry or want to start training for a 5k race within a few months, finding a new hobby can also help you discover new interests and talents.
Find New Friends
Some people may not know how to deal with the emotions that come with the end of a marriage or may not want to choose a side between spouses, so many divorcing people find themselves losing a few friends. That is a painful loss, but it can give you an opportunity to forge incredible new friendships that offer support and encouragement throughout the divorce and beyond as you continue to build your new life. If the divorce is an uncontested and amicable one, you may eventually find yourself able to share these friendships once again.
Customize Your Routine
Making changes to your normal routine isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, it can give you an emotional boost when you are struggling with your divorce because it gives you full control over your life. These changes may include decorating or redecorating the bedroom into a personal oasis, setting aside time for a simple yoga flow each day, or just enjoying a cup of tea and meditation before bed. Intentional plans for your routine can serve as a powerful reminder that your life is fully your own and is being made new every day.
How to Grow From Divorce
Divorce can bring heavy emotions and intimidating changes, but this is not always a bad thing. For example, if the marriage involved behavior toward one partner that was unhealthy and dangerous, divorce provides an avenue for healing. Similarly, if you did not work outside the home during your marriage, it may be overwhelming to face the realities of balancing full-time work and home – but the experience will be an opportunity to grow. While these things are difficult, they can provide you with ways to expand your horizons if you are able to channel them correctly, even if you’ve been married many years.
Consider these ways to ensure the divorce experience is one of personal growth.
Journaling
When you are dealing with an influx of emotions, it can be difficult to know exactly what you are feeling. Finding a way to focus all of the emotions into a single outlet, like a journal, can be beneficial because it allows you to get all of your thoughts onto paper; therefore, you can sort through them more easily. Keeping a journal can also be helpful because it is a private place for you to process and acknowledge your emotions, no matter how difficult they are. Journaling can be an essential tool for growth because it provides a healthy outlet for any anger, confusion, and pain you are facing.
Therapy
Your divorce may bring up unexpected feelings like fear of being alone and shame because you could not make your marriage work. Working with an experienced therapist can help you find the root of these feelings, process them safely, and move forward. They can provide you with guidance, resources, and support as you begin your journey to healing by helping you set goals for your life moving forward that are effective, healthy, and attainable.
Focus on Self-Care
Practicing regular self-care can help you maintain your mental and emotional health when you are facing a divorce because it allows you to process your emotions. Self-care will look different for everyone and does not always mean rest. If you are feeling overwhelmed with work and your other responsibilities, picking your favorite movie, grabbing some snacks, and curling up on the couch with a blanket may give you a chance to recover. In other cases, making sure that your laundry is washed and dishes are clean can be a form of self-care because it helps your life function more smoothly. When you take care of yourself, you are able to grow through your divorce by giving yourself the space and safety you need to heal.
Goal Setting
One of the benefits of marriage is having a partner who can work with you to set goals and provide security, so when you lose that during a divorce, it can be jarring. Setting goals only for yourself may feel selfish or unobtainable at first, but it can actually play a major role in your growth process. Starting with simple, attainable goals like reading every night before bed or cooking meals regularly can help give you the confidence you need to reach for your bigger aspirations.
Focus on Family
Children are often disproportionately affected by divorce because they may not understand why their family structure has suddenly changed. They are used to regular contact with both parents but will have to adjust to only seeing each parent part-time following a divorce. Spending intentional time with your children while your divorce is finalized can help you all feel secure in your relationship, process your anger and fear, and find joy in the midst of your pain.
We Know You Can Find Success, Just As This Client Did
A client once told us her husband came home and announced that he wanted a divorce because he had been unfaithful. She recalled feeling devastated because the person she trusted the most in the world betrayed her, and she did not know how to move forward. Her life had consisted of caring for their home because he was the primary breadwinner, so she felt lost when considering how to start over again. Over time, she went to therapy to heal her wounds and discovered a love for helping others, so she became a counselor herself.
She was able to grow and discover her life’s passion because she accepted the reality of a painful divorce and allowed it to be a catalyst for her. Countless others have transformed their lives through self-care practices, initiating relationships, therapy, and more. If you are facing a difficult divorce, it is important to embrace the changes as opportunities to rediscover yourself.
Start the Divorce Rediscovery Journey With The Valley Law Group Today
Your divorce journey, though painful, can be an opportunity to heal from a broken marriage and grow into your potential if it is mutually agreeable. Friends who have been in a similar situation can offer encouragement and insight, while family can be a source of support when you are struggling so you do not have to face the challenges alone. Sharing your own experiences with others can also help you to grow through your rediscovery journey.
The Valley Law Group is ready to provide the legal help you need when finalizing your divorce. Our team has years of combined experience and can ensure you understand the difference between a contested divorce and an uncontested divorce in Arizona so you can determine the best course of action. If your goal is a mutually agreeable divorce, schedule a consultation with The Valley Law Group to learn more about your responsibilities during the uncontested divorce process.
Resources :
- National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI). (2019). “No Cost Self-Care During Divorce: Is It Even Possible?” PubMed Central. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6845581/
- Alpert, E. (2019, July 1). “No Cost Self-Care During Divorce: Is It Even Possible?” Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/better-divorce/201907/no-cost-self-care-during-divorce-is-even-possible
- Gregas, M. (2021, April 26). “Life After Divorce: Navigating the New Normal.” Healthline. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/life-after-divorce
- Alpert, E. (2021, April 29). “How to Heal After Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide.” Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/better-divorce/202104/how-heal-divorce
- World Population Review. (n.d.). “Divorce Rate by State 2023.” Retrieved from https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/divorce-rate-by-state
Jonathan Roeder, Founder/Director of Marketing of The Valley Law Group, is an Arizona native who has dedicated his life and career to the service of others. After graduating salutatorian of his high school class, Jonathan attended beautiful and prestigious Pepperdine University, where he majored in Political Science. During his tenure at Pepperdine University, his passion for helping others grew after securing a clinical position with a residential treatment center for juveniles with substance addictions. Post-graduation, Jonathan returned to Arizona and served as a residential manager for mentally and physically disabled homes.